I’ve never heard a man confess to SA. Certainly the two men who raped me never did. I’m not sure how I’d react if they did. In neither relationship was romantic love a thing. We were friends, in one case good friends for 35 years. I might forgive the rape, but the friendships are gone and could never be recovered. Friendship requires trust and I would never trust either man again. And it still hurts deeply that those friendships meant so little to them, that they would throw it away for a sexual thrill that their own hand could have provided more efficiently. It made me question other male friends, made me question my own judgement and wisdom. It’s been a decade now and I’m slowly healing and my marriage survived and is even stronger now. But I’m much more cautious now.
France- I was reading a post by a psychotherapist yesterday which talked about one of the seldom mentioned stressors upon victims of SA is the recovery process, particularly one with no attempt at any sort of apology. I've never met another guy who's admitted to it either, and I've had several tell me mine was not. It is decidedly difficult for a man to come to terms with being a rapist. There is no grace, and ultimately, the only place appropriate to seek grace would be from the victim. I imagine it's not always a safe thing to do. The conversation alone may re-traumatize the victim. And, if one is truly seeking grace, they will allow the victim to determine whether it is provided or not. As difficult as my confession was for me, the door was wide open. All I had to do was walk through it.
I am sorry for what happened to you. I am glad to hear your marriage survived and is stronger. It is my hope that men who have done things like I did, or the two men who hurt you will find a way to validate the humanity of their victim.
I respect your honesty, but I would like to see you go deeper into your past. I want to see some reflection on your part about what led you to rape a woman in college. That she became your wife is incidental to me. I would like to see you reflect on your upbringing, and the messages you received about entitlement. Yes, you mentioned owning your actions, but that’s after the fact. What did your parents teach you about consent? I assume nothing because that wasn’t talked about. What messages did you receive from society that allowed you to put your curiosity about what sex felt like above a college woman’s no? I’m speaking both as a woman and a writer. Minutiae in the details is not compelling. I want to see you reflect on rape culture because it’s worse than ever. You have a daughter? A son? How did you parent them? Did you teach your daughter how to stay safe rather than teach your son about consent? I am not attacking you, this is what would keep me reading. I commend your bravery and I can see you have so much more to unpack. You have the makings of something remarkable if you are willing to examine your past, and how admitting the truth led to different actions in the future. Right now, this reads as a self serving piece, which is fine, but it can be so much more than about your own healing.
Thank you for your thoughtful and meaningful comment, Amy. You said a lot. Much, if not all of what you mention is forthcoming. There’s just too much for one post, and at this point of my writing experience, sorting the minutiae is a skill I’ve not yet mastered.
I have heard privately from others as well. Most of them from conservative upbringings like mine, and the fact that she married me was not incidental. It certainly isn’t incidental to our story, which is the one I’m writing.
As for the story hitting as self-serving…that’s important feedback. I need to do better and will work at it.
I apologize for my harsher remarks, and I appreciate this thoughtful response. It is never my intention to bully anyone in the comments (not that you think that, but I do), especially on their own posts. You are doing the hard, slow work, and I was looking for quick answers. Keep going, you will help a lot of people with your candor and honesty. You are just getting started, and Substack is a place to work on your craft.
Jeff. Congrats on this cathartic piece. And on your own journey of discovery and development. Your wife is an amazing woman. And I see why that line in my essay you commented on about not being defined by our worst action resonated with you. I commend you for your vulnerability.
Thank you, James. I’m often hit with the idea that in a way, I have let it define me. Well, no. That’s not entirely accurate. Once I decided to deal with it, I let the failure shape who I worked to become in the future. I can’t change the past, but I can honor the experience — even a terrible one — with change. So, it didn’t define me, but it does help shape me. Does that make sense?
Confronting our darkest moments takes courage and strength. The support of a good counsellor is vital. But so is the support of others. Just as I read this it occurred to me that when I have tried to share aspects of trauma, so many times I am met with “You should just take antidepressants.” Those comments are far more about the other person’s comfort level than mine (very few trauma cases are actually helped with meds; it’s talk therapy that brings results). Sharing counselling, sharing healing, makes a world of difference because it accepts you for who you are. ❤️
Jo- I’ve been able to see trauma in people’s eyes as I’ve shared my story. The way people have handled it is always different. Women are resilient and responsive. Men are usually quiet, and question what really happened. Usually. We don’t handle trauma well.
I’ve never heard a man confess to SA. Certainly the two men who raped me never did. I’m not sure how I’d react if they did. In neither relationship was romantic love a thing. We were friends, in one case good friends for 35 years. I might forgive the rape, but the friendships are gone and could never be recovered. Friendship requires trust and I would never trust either man again. And it still hurts deeply that those friendships meant so little to them, that they would throw it away for a sexual thrill that their own hand could have provided more efficiently. It made me question other male friends, made me question my own judgement and wisdom. It’s been a decade now and I’m slowly healing and my marriage survived and is even stronger now. But I’m much more cautious now.
France- I was reading a post by a psychotherapist yesterday which talked about one of the seldom mentioned stressors upon victims of SA is the recovery process, particularly one with no attempt at any sort of apology. I've never met another guy who's admitted to it either, and I've had several tell me mine was not. It is decidedly difficult for a man to come to terms with being a rapist. There is no grace, and ultimately, the only place appropriate to seek grace would be from the victim. I imagine it's not always a safe thing to do. The conversation alone may re-traumatize the victim. And, if one is truly seeking grace, they will allow the victim to determine whether it is provided or not. As difficult as my confession was for me, the door was wide open. All I had to do was walk through it.
I am sorry for what happened to you. I am glad to hear your marriage survived and is stronger. It is my hope that men who have done things like I did, or the two men who hurt you will find a way to validate the humanity of their victim.
Thank you for sharing.
I respect your honesty, but I would like to see you go deeper into your past. I want to see some reflection on your part about what led you to rape a woman in college. That she became your wife is incidental to me. I would like to see you reflect on your upbringing, and the messages you received about entitlement. Yes, you mentioned owning your actions, but that’s after the fact. What did your parents teach you about consent? I assume nothing because that wasn’t talked about. What messages did you receive from society that allowed you to put your curiosity about what sex felt like above a college woman’s no? I’m speaking both as a woman and a writer. Minutiae in the details is not compelling. I want to see you reflect on rape culture because it’s worse than ever. You have a daughter? A son? How did you parent them? Did you teach your daughter how to stay safe rather than teach your son about consent? I am not attacking you, this is what would keep me reading. I commend your bravery and I can see you have so much more to unpack. You have the makings of something remarkable if you are willing to examine your past, and how admitting the truth led to different actions in the future. Right now, this reads as a self serving piece, which is fine, but it can be so much more than about your own healing.
Thank you for your thoughtful and meaningful comment, Amy. You said a lot. Much, if not all of what you mention is forthcoming. There’s just too much for one post, and at this point of my writing experience, sorting the minutiae is a skill I’ve not yet mastered.
I have heard privately from others as well. Most of them from conservative upbringings like mine, and the fact that she married me was not incidental. It certainly isn’t incidental to our story, which is the one I’m writing.
As for the story hitting as self-serving…that’s important feedback. I need to do better and will work at it.
I apologize for my harsher remarks, and I appreciate this thoughtful response. It is never my intention to bully anyone in the comments (not that you think that, but I do), especially on their own posts. You are doing the hard, slow work, and I was looking for quick answers. Keep going, you will help a lot of people with your candor and honesty. You are just getting started, and Substack is a place to work on your craft.
Jeff. Congrats on this cathartic piece. And on your own journey of discovery and development. Your wife is an amazing woman. And I see why that line in my essay you commented on about not being defined by our worst action resonated with you. I commend you for your vulnerability.
Thank you, James. I’m often hit with the idea that in a way, I have let it define me. Well, no. That’s not entirely accurate. Once I decided to deal with it, I let the failure shape who I worked to become in the future. I can’t change the past, but I can honor the experience — even a terrible one — with change. So, it didn’t define me, but it does help shape me. Does that make sense?
Confronting our darkest moments takes courage and strength. The support of a good counsellor is vital. But so is the support of others. Just as I read this it occurred to me that when I have tried to share aspects of trauma, so many times I am met with “You should just take antidepressants.” Those comments are far more about the other person’s comfort level than mine (very few trauma cases are actually helped with meds; it’s talk therapy that brings results). Sharing counselling, sharing healing, makes a world of difference because it accepts you for who you are. ❤️
Jo- I’ve been able to see trauma in people’s eyes as I’ve shared my story. The way people have handled it is always different. Women are resilient and responsive. Men are usually quiet, and question what really happened. Usually. We don’t handle trauma well.