Thank you for taking the time to read the entire piece. It was long.
You are correct. It was rape. This makes me a rapist. I accepted this reality long ago.
What you read here was not the article I intended to share first.
I just want to point back to this part of what you just read:
"...this very post you’re reading right now is the result of her [my victim's] advice to me to slow it down a bit. I was going to start with the next one. She reminded me that sharing the story will affect my readers, and it might be best to explain myself before dropping a bomb on them.
She gets a voice this time."
Her voice matters, and we'll work together to tell the story as best we know how. As far as I know, there's no blueprint for this experience.
The article which followed this one, linked at the end, was intended to be the first I posted. In it, I identify what I did as rape.
Thank you for stepping into integrity and honesty with nuance and grace. Let the ugly truth be told so it can bring freedom. “The truth shall set you free.”
Thank you. #Ididit could be helpful as a healing beginning. If you read my last post, you know how painful sexual assault is and it’s long lasting repercussions when never confessed, owned up to and admitted. It’s the first step as you said. Our education is biased. We talk about how many women are assaulted statistically, but not how many men do the assaulting. Where are the men teaching younger men this is not ok. Women unconsciously live as prey. Men unconsciously live as hunters. Your post and the following telling of your story will help the healing begin. Thank you.
Thank you, April. I hadn’t read your article before, but I certainly have now. Our stories are different, but there are some similarities. Little is surprising, and there is much to recover from. I’m hopeful this little story will be a step in a new direction of transformation for others too.
The problem with getting in front of, admitting to, and facing the actions your deepest darkest is the majority. The majority says perpetrators of the deepest darkest are not worthy. They do not deserve mercy forgiveness or healing. They are monsters and should be thrown away, beaten,black balled, forever labeled monster and executed. Our society does not allow and is not conducive to this facing admitting forgiving and healing of deep dark perpetrators.
Hi Jeff, I'm very interested in reading both of your stories. This seems like a groundbreaking piece of writing. You both are very brave for embracing your past.
While I cannot relate to the exact subject matter- on either side- I am going through some *stuff* (cleaned up word). I find your overall tone and intention resonating with me. Integrity. Honesty. Humility. Growth. Effing growth. I hate it. It’s annoying. And if you can learn and grow and get through it, maybe I can, too. Thanks, Jeff.
Jeff thank you for writing this and I look forward to reading what you add to your story as you publish. Having been a victim of multiple sexual assaults in my life ( both from men and from boys) I have often wondered, actually more times than I can count, if they ever look back on what they did. I ask myself if it ever entered their mind again? if they have ever had remorse? or felt still justified as the “ it’s just what guys do “ reverberates thru and around this subject to this day.
Thank you for showing that. Yes sometimes it’s reflected upon. And sometimes it matters enough for the perpetrator to reach out and try to heal the victim as well as himself.
I'm sorry for what happened to you. I wish I had some better words of encouragement. "I'm sorry" doesn't seem enough. If those people have matured at all, or if they have an ounce of goodness in them, I'd like to think they have considered what they did. But I don't know.
I think Cliff's comment above says a lot. Sexual assault is rightly considered a shameful act. The difficulty with shame is that it makes us draw into ourself. We definitely don't want to risk experiencing the vitriol of public anger in addition to shame we already feel if we come to understand our bad behavior for what it was. Though, perhaps it might be understood as a small price to pay. I was at my lowest point when I admitted to what I did, and even then, I was still in regular contact with my victim. Frankly, that's putting it lightly, as you'll see next week. I had nothing to lose, and everything to gain by confessing. I just didn't know what else the confession was going to teach me about myself.
My hope is that other men might see that healing can be possible and more powerful than the shame, and that the victim's right to heal is more important than the perpetrator's right to personal, emotional safety.
Thank you for your reply and I appreciate your I’m sorry. I would hope there would be more awareness in the world of how much pain is out there because of circumstances that don’t allow us as individuals to heal or as recipients and or perpetrators. I hope people will read cliffs Response and I hope they read the last paragraph that you wrote to me.
Blessings on your journey. I’ll await reading your next posting with interest. Thank you for being brave enough to address this with your victim and yourself. It will be impactful.
Since the balance of power has always been in favor of the masculine I've often wondered how that power and its abuses can be truly owned by men. To truly balance power involves loss on the part of the more powerful. We see how resistance to that loss plays out in the world.
Thank you for your courage in addressing this along with the woman involved. This is powerful. It gives me hope for the human race.
Siobhan- I’m very sorry how long it took me to reply. I read your comment, and it gave me something to think about. I’m afraid it took 4 days before I got back to it.
I have so much to learn about the whole power dynamic. I’ve seen someone else say (I honestly don’t remember where) that rape is about power. For me, I don’t remember it being about power that evening. I had hormones that I had no idea how to control. ← I do not mean this to excuse the behavior. I had a choice, and I made the wrong one. But I have been privileged as a male. I do know that. And I also know my privilege protected me from consequences when this occurred. Like I said. I have a lot to learn. Patriarchy runs deep, with strong roots. I’ll keep at it. Thank you for the comment.
I think we all have a lot to learn Jeff. It's incredibly important for women to be able to be truthful while supporting the men who are willing to own their privilege and power and the darkness it can lead to.
I think very few men have any real understanding of the reality of what women have endured for thousands of years. How could they? It has not been their experience.
You are incredibly brave for being willing to go public with this. Thank you.
My attack so many years ago could’ve gone a lot worse. But it was definitely devastating. I was at a party- realized my friends had disappeared- somewhere making out with guys & oblivious to what was happening to me. I found myself alone in a group of several guys - kind of a blur. But, suddenly they all decided to approach me, grope me all over (never told this story-other than my husband & friends at the time, who were drunk & just plain would not hear my cry. I noticed a couple sitting on the floor not faraway & wondered what the heck they were thinking as they sat there & did nothing. All I remember is flailing my arms & begging them to stop. I noticed one guy, not participating, but also not speaking up for me.
When gratefully, they decided to stop as in my head a gang rape was about to happen. I walked out of the house. this guy following & kindly trying to offer comfort- asked if I was ok. To which I screamed NoNo I’m not!! I got to my car & I think the next actions may have been the most damaging. My two friends are suddenly in my car, very drunk, laughing hard while I tried to tell them what just happened. They wanted me to drive their guys home. I screamed no. Get out of my car!! My friends continued to ask me to drive everyone home. Finally got guys out of car, crying my head off. Just before I could drive off, a guy & don’t remember if he was one of my attackers. He reached in my car and start e to honk my horn, glaring at me with an expression that felt like I was being raped just by his lecherous look, that was just full of hate. My two friends continued laughing on the drive home & I think I was starting to get through that I had endured a great trauma. It was too late to receive any empathy from them as they failed me miserably in my crisis & refusing to listen to me may have been the most painful time. I just remember driving around by myself- crying- trying to get the tears out of my system before I could go home. I remember my older brother was there. He was with us because he was suffering a Great Depression that ended his life eventually. And when you’re 19, trying to explain that pain with zero compassion to friends - very bad. But this night the attack & my friends’ inability to focus definitely made the nightmare worse. The next day when they were sober & giving half ass excuses for not listening to me just intensified it & their compassion came a little too late. I actually took comfort from other friends who listened to my story & were much help as they listened with shock at the coldness I received from friends they were friends with. I never got apologies - just excuses that they were drunk & just didn’t get it.
I have never been able to understand their responses, laughing while I cried. I guess it still stings over 50 years later! So yes. hearing your story & seeking forgiveness is awesome. The guys weren’t guys I’d ever met & definitely wouldn’t be faces I’d ever recognize as I didn’t look at them. So thee is definitely healing in your repentant story- I can’t ever get it from the perpetrators & the lack of trust with friends - well friendships never ok since being drunk continued to be their excuse . Have to forgive, but still difficult to know what to do with pain.
The most comfort & understanding came from my husband who has always been a guy with integrity & the fact that my story still shocks him gives me the much needed validation. Thank you again for having a place to share my pain & know that maybe some of those guys regret their participation in my nightmare.
Hi, Bon- I am very sorry that happened to you. It sounds like it was horrifying for you, and for sure it was traumatic. I can't speak to how they felt afterwards or in the years as they grew, but hopefully they matured into better people. While it wasn't a factor in our situation, alcohol and young men's hormones are a terrible, toxic mix.
In a future article, Joy is going to talk about her experience when she told someone what happened. It wasn't helpful at all.
I'm glad reading our story brought you some sense of release. You are welcomed to share here anytime.
Thank you, Jeff. Really glad you are being upfront, both with the girl & on Substack. Hopefully you can influence men who didn’t realize what pain they caused. I’ve never seen anyone do what you’re doing. Appreciate & proud of you! God bless, Bonnie
Thank you for taking the time to read the entire piece. It was long.
You are correct. It was rape. This makes me a rapist. I accepted this reality long ago.
What you read here was not the article I intended to share first.
I just want to point back to this part of what you just read:
"...this very post you’re reading right now is the result of her [my victim's] advice to me to slow it down a bit. I was going to start with the next one. She reminded me that sharing the story will affect my readers, and it might be best to explain myself before dropping a bomb on them.
She gets a voice this time."
Her voice matters, and we'll work together to tell the story as best we know how. As far as I know, there's no blueprint for this experience.
The article which followed this one, linked at the end, was intended to be the first I posted. In it, I identify what I did as rape.
Just the fact the woman is being given a voice in this this shows you learned something. 👍🏼
She has taught me a lot!
Thank you for stepping into integrity and honesty with nuance and grace. Let the ugly truth be told so it can bring freedom. “The truth shall set you free.”
That's the idea, Allison. Thank you for your thoughts!
Thank you. #Ididit could be helpful as a healing beginning. If you read my last post, you know how painful sexual assault is and it’s long lasting repercussions when never confessed, owned up to and admitted. It’s the first step as you said. Our education is biased. We talk about how many women are assaulted statistically, but not how many men do the assaulting. Where are the men teaching younger men this is not ok. Women unconsciously live as prey. Men unconsciously live as hunters. Your post and the following telling of your story will help the healing begin. Thank you.
Thank you, April. I hadn’t read your article before, but I certainly have now. Our stories are different, but there are some similarities. Little is surprising, and there is much to recover from. I’m hopeful this little story will be a step in a new direction of transformation for others too.
The problem with getting in front of, admitting to, and facing the actions your deepest darkest is the majority. The majority says perpetrators of the deepest darkest are not worthy. They do not deserve mercy forgiveness or healing. They are monsters and should be thrown away, beaten,black balled, forever labeled monster and executed. Our society does not allow and is not conducive to this facing admitting forgiving and healing of deep dark perpetrators.
Hi Jeff, I'm very interested in reading both of your stories. This seems like a groundbreaking piece of writing. You both are very brave for embracing your past.
Thank you, Brian. It has been quite a journey for both of us.
While I cannot relate to the exact subject matter- on either side- I am going through some *stuff* (cleaned up word). I find your overall tone and intention resonating with me. Integrity. Honesty. Humility. Growth. Effing growth. I hate it. It’s annoying. And if you can learn and grow and get through it, maybe I can, too. Thanks, Jeff.
Jeff thank you for writing this and I look forward to reading what you add to your story as you publish. Having been a victim of multiple sexual assaults in my life ( both from men and from boys) I have often wondered, actually more times than I can count, if they ever look back on what they did. I ask myself if it ever entered their mind again? if they have ever had remorse? or felt still justified as the “ it’s just what guys do “ reverberates thru and around this subject to this day.
Thank you for showing that. Yes sometimes it’s reflected upon. And sometimes it matters enough for the perpetrator to reach out and try to heal the victim as well as himself.
Thank you for your comment, Kim.
I'm sorry for what happened to you. I wish I had some better words of encouragement. "I'm sorry" doesn't seem enough. If those people have matured at all, or if they have an ounce of goodness in them, I'd like to think they have considered what they did. But I don't know.
I think Cliff's comment above says a lot. Sexual assault is rightly considered a shameful act. The difficulty with shame is that it makes us draw into ourself. We definitely don't want to risk experiencing the vitriol of public anger in addition to shame we already feel if we come to understand our bad behavior for what it was. Though, perhaps it might be understood as a small price to pay. I was at my lowest point when I admitted to what I did, and even then, I was still in regular contact with my victim. Frankly, that's putting it lightly, as you'll see next week. I had nothing to lose, and everything to gain by confessing. I just didn't know what else the confession was going to teach me about myself.
My hope is that other men might see that healing can be possible and more powerful than the shame, and that the victim's right to heal is more important than the perpetrator's right to personal, emotional safety.
Thank you for your reply and I appreciate your I’m sorry. I would hope there would be more awareness in the world of how much pain is out there because of circumstances that don’t allow us as individuals to heal or as recipients and or perpetrators. I hope people will read cliffs Response and I hope they read the last paragraph that you wrote to me.
Blessings on your journey. I’ll await reading your next posting with interest. Thank you for being brave enough to address this with your victim and yourself. It will be impactful.
Since the balance of power has always been in favor of the masculine I've often wondered how that power and its abuses can be truly owned by men. To truly balance power involves loss on the part of the more powerful. We see how resistance to that loss plays out in the world.
Thank you for your courage in addressing this along with the woman involved. This is powerful. It gives me hope for the human race.
Siobhan- I’m very sorry how long it took me to reply. I read your comment, and it gave me something to think about. I’m afraid it took 4 days before I got back to it.
I have so much to learn about the whole power dynamic. I’ve seen someone else say (I honestly don’t remember where) that rape is about power. For me, I don’t remember it being about power that evening. I had hormones that I had no idea how to control. ← I do not mean this to excuse the behavior. I had a choice, and I made the wrong one. But I have been privileged as a male. I do know that. And I also know my privilege protected me from consequences when this occurred. Like I said. I have a lot to learn. Patriarchy runs deep, with strong roots. I’ll keep at it. Thank you for the comment.
I think we all have a lot to learn Jeff. It's incredibly important for women to be able to be truthful while supporting the men who are willing to own their privilege and power and the darkness it can lead to.
I think very few men have any real understanding of the reality of what women have endured for thousands of years. How could they? It has not been their experience.
You are incredibly brave for being willing to go public with this. Thank you.
My attack so many years ago could’ve gone a lot worse. But it was definitely devastating. I was at a party- realized my friends had disappeared- somewhere making out with guys & oblivious to what was happening to me. I found myself alone in a group of several guys - kind of a blur. But, suddenly they all decided to approach me, grope me all over (never told this story-other than my husband & friends at the time, who were drunk & just plain would not hear my cry. I noticed a couple sitting on the floor not faraway & wondered what the heck they were thinking as they sat there & did nothing. All I remember is flailing my arms & begging them to stop. I noticed one guy, not participating, but also not speaking up for me.
When gratefully, they decided to stop as in my head a gang rape was about to happen. I walked out of the house. this guy following & kindly trying to offer comfort- asked if I was ok. To which I screamed NoNo I’m not!! I got to my car & I think the next actions may have been the most damaging. My two friends are suddenly in my car, very drunk, laughing hard while I tried to tell them what just happened. They wanted me to drive their guys home. I screamed no. Get out of my car!! My friends continued to ask me to drive everyone home. Finally got guys out of car, crying my head off. Just before I could drive off, a guy & don’t remember if he was one of my attackers. He reached in my car and start e to honk my horn, glaring at me with an expression that felt like I was being raped just by his lecherous look, that was just full of hate. My two friends continued laughing on the drive home & I think I was starting to get through that I had endured a great trauma. It was too late to receive any empathy from them as they failed me miserably in my crisis & refusing to listen to me may have been the most painful time. I just remember driving around by myself- crying- trying to get the tears out of my system before I could go home. I remember my older brother was there. He was with us because he was suffering a Great Depression that ended his life eventually. And when you’re 19, trying to explain that pain with zero compassion to friends - very bad. But this night the attack & my friends’ inability to focus definitely made the nightmare worse. The next day when they were sober & giving half ass excuses for not listening to me just intensified it & their compassion came a little too late. I actually took comfort from other friends who listened to my story & were much help as they listened with shock at the coldness I received from friends they were friends with. I never got apologies - just excuses that they were drunk & just didn’t get it.
I have never been able to understand their responses, laughing while I cried. I guess it still stings over 50 years later! So yes. hearing your story & seeking forgiveness is awesome. The guys weren’t guys I’d ever met & definitely wouldn’t be faces I’d ever recognize as I didn’t look at them. So thee is definitely healing in your repentant story- I can’t ever get it from the perpetrators & the lack of trust with friends - well friendships never ok since being drunk continued to be their excuse . Have to forgive, but still difficult to know what to do with pain.
The most comfort & understanding came from my husband who has always been a guy with integrity & the fact that my story still shocks him gives me the much needed validation. Thank you again for having a place to share my pain & know that maybe some of those guys regret their participation in my nightmare.
Hi, Bon- I am very sorry that happened to you. It sounds like it was horrifying for you, and for sure it was traumatic. I can't speak to how they felt afterwards or in the years as they grew, but hopefully they matured into better people. While it wasn't a factor in our situation, alcohol and young men's hormones are a terrible, toxic mix.
In a future article, Joy is going to talk about her experience when she told someone what happened. It wasn't helpful at all.
I'm glad reading our story brought you some sense of release. You are welcomed to share here anytime.
Thank you, Jeff. Really glad you are being upfront, both with the girl & on Substack. Hopefully you can influence men who didn’t realize what pain they caused. I’ve never seen anyone do what you’re doing. Appreciate & proud of you! God bless, Bonnie