Grace and Shame Can't Coexist

The Reasons for (Over)Sharing Personal, Embarrassing Information in a Blog

Grace shines light through the darkness, not on the darkness.

Someone asked why I share the things I do on the internet for everyone to see.

They wanted to know why I blog about my past struggles with compulsive sexual behavior when it comes to pornography. There’s a long answer, which I believe is important. But there’s also a short answer, and I’m sharing it with you today.

I no longer feel shame about my use of pornography.

Because... grace.

The moment I found grace, all my shame went away. Eventually, so did my compulsive behaviors. The things I used to call sin. The grace arrived immediately. The behavioral changes took longer, but the grace remained.

I learned about sin management in church. Grace played a part, for sure. But it wasn’t front and center. There was far more about avoiding sin or evil of any kind than there was about learning how grace worked, and just as importantly, how my body works.

After a lifetime of going to church, I finally discovered grace while sitting in the cab of my pickup truck.

In that moment, I discovered grace and shame are opposite polarities; they cannot exist in the same space.

Looking back, most of my church experience was built on hoping people would accept grace and join the tribe of Jesus because they were born into a shameful existence. If they didn’t God would be forever mad at them and punish them.

I bought that story. For a long time, I let shame avoidance, or sin avoidance, drive my story.

But then, sitting in the cab of my pickup truck, I found true grace.

When grace arrived, shame made a quick exit. When it did, my outlook on life and pretty much everything changed for the better.

I’m healthier now, mentally and spiritually, and I’m even learning to apply these things in ways that help me be physically healthier too.

Everyone would like to have a healthier outlook on life. So, I share my experience in hopes maybe someone else will find grace too.

I've also experienced the people who care most about me are grace-filled people. So, I share my story knowing that the people who care most will respond to it in the most grace-filled way.

Those who can’t or won’t, well, I understand them too. They were who I once was. I needed grace then.

So I give it now.

Of course, there are some stories that shouldn’t be shared, no matter how much grace a person has experienced. For instance, if we have caused harm, victimized or otherwise hurt others, it would be inappropriate to speak of grace in absence of forgiveness and the permission of the offended party.

What’s more, I’m not here to say people must tell their stories either. Not at all. Just that we should celebrate when people do.

It’s interesting to me that when I was growing up in the church, listening to the testimonies of people who had turned their lives around, when grace rescued them from a life of drugs, alcoholism… you name it, the people around me celebrated. I might think they’d celebrate my victories too.

I wonder if there is still shame there, hidden behind a facade for the world to see. I wonder if people are still afraid of what other people would say if we knew the whole story.

That’s what shame is- a fear that people will judge us if they know the whole story.

Grace freed me of shame. There’s a certain freeing power in saying,

"This was something I failed at. I dealt with it. I figured it out. This couldn’t have happened without grace."

We don’t always find grace at church. It’s why people leave. It’s why I almost left.

I almost left church because of a lack of grace from some people.

But then there’s, well, the overflowing grace I’ve experienced and can’t help but feel obligated to bestow.

We need grace because, again, grace and shame can’t exist in the same place.

This is why I share my story on a blog called The Unfiltered Scribe.

Because of grace.