I Almost Failed this Week

But I Just Couldn't Have Lived with Myself

This is a screenshot from my phone. I found it on my computer when I was looking for a picture to go with this post. It has nothing to do with this post. It’s just a picture of Tupac. But now the post has a picture, and Tupac is staring into my soul. Someone please go buy the book so I don’t get dinged for a copyright violation.

It’s 3AM on a Saturday.

I wish I could say the above line was just a mis-quote of Billy Joel’s Piano Man, but alas, it is simply the reality of my situation.

It’s 3AM and I can’t sleep. I’ve been awake since two.

I’m not sure why I can’t sleep. Maybe it’s the two espresso martinis I had at dinner last night. Perhaps. But I didn’t have any problem falling asleep when I went to bed. That’s when I would have expected problems. But no, I fell asleep long before the end of the Celtics game which was on our bedroom television.

Besides, I don’t have any regrets about those two martinis. I was out with my wife and daughter, celebrating life. What I mean is, it was Friday night. We needed to have dinner so we went to this little local bar/restaurant not far from our home, had dinner and talked about life. We looked into each other’s eyes and listened to each other talk about, well, just stuff. We laughed. I held my wife’s hand. We told our daughter how proud we are of her. We talked about how much we miss our son and are proud of him too. There was no special occasion.

It was just celebrating being alive.

No. The martinis aren’t why I’m awake.

I’m awake thinking about you.

My readers.

I made a commitment to you all that I’d provide a weekly post. I think my exact words were, “Usually on Mondays.” Well, as I pointed out, it’s the wee-hours of Saturday. Over the past few weeks my posts have slipped to Tuesday. Maybe a Wednesday here or there.

I’m slipping.

No post this week.

I knew this would happen eventually.

I knew I’d fail.

I always do, I feel.

So, I think that’s why I’m awake. I’m trying to come to terms with whether my failure to produce an article this week is my fault. Whether it’s laziness or that I legitimately just couldn’t get it done.

The fact is, I wrote a lot of words for you this week. 5,675 words split between three different articles.

Three different attempts.

I thought the first post was done. I sent it to my son to read before posting it. He’s got a good sense for stuff like this.

“Um…dad, this needs more work.”

He was right. After I re-read it myself, I could see the shortcomings. Not only did it need more work, it needed a complete re-write. But I wasn’t about to try to re-write it just to get the post up a couple of days late. So, I began another one. One that didn’t have to be written all that well. One about my bucket list.

But it was garbage. So I left it in my drafts for another time as well.

I started the third. I started wrestling with the Apostle Paul about his proclivity to set up “the flesh” and “the spirit” as enemies. I think he’s mistaken about that. I also think I might be reading too much into his words. And as usual, I found it was hard to dig into theological weeds without boring the snot out of my reader.

So, now that article is a draft as well.

On the plus side, I’ve got three articles waiting for me to finish up as opposed to starting fresh. It’s nice to have them there.

But still, at 3AM I toss and turn wondering if I have what it takes to do this.

I posted my first article on June 19. Since then I’ve posted at least one article a week, 26 in total, without missing a week. I don’t even think I missed a week when I took a trip to Europe. The consistency is a new victory for me. I was trying to be OK with missing this week.

But I just didn’t want to. I wanted something out there.

So here I am, and here it is.

We’re in the spirit of Thanksgiving. My social media feeds are full of people being thankful for things.

I can’t think of anything I’m more thankful for this year than all of my readers. You all mean the world to me. This is me trying to turn a hobby into some sort of a profession, and you all are there for me, sending me messages of support. Sometimes challenging me on certain areas where I need to be challenged. I’m grateful.

Thankful.

For you.

I hope the things I write here help you as you traverse life from day to day. That’s my goal.

In an email this week, I described my writing this way:

Self-reflection → Confession → Meaningful change

I think that’s it.

That’s the goal as far as I can tell at this point.

Thank you for helping me to do it.

Well, I’m getting sleepy again. I think this is a sign that I’ve said all I need to this week. And, here’s a post, squeaked in at the last minute, but done just the same.

I’m giving myself a break for the next two weeks. Monday is only two days away, and there’s little chance I’ll have another post completed by then. After that I’ll be traveling to be with my my family. I don’t anticipate having much time to write during the Thanksgiving holiday activities.

There is a caveat.

I owe my paid subscribers a post. So I’ll get that out Monday. It’ll be a portion of the first draft of my eBook, How I Gave Up Pornography the Unorthodox Way.

See you then.