The Much-Maligned Cookie Monster

The Little Distraction We All Need

I have a confession to make.

I write my stuff while being paid at a job to do something else. That’s the confession.

When people ask me how I like my job I tell them I love it. It gives me ample time to write, and from time to time I get a call to go fix something, which I also enjoy. I turn a few wrenches, perhaps unclog a toilet or replace a lightbulb… you know, maintenance-y stuff. I’m entry level in the maintenance department at a small college, so most of the things I’m assigned aren’t all that intricate and this allows my brain to think about what I want to write while I’m unclogging the water fountain which someone thinks is an appropriate place to dispose of coffee grounds. (It’s not, by the way.) When I’m’ done, I return to my desk and write until the phone rings again. My job is terrific for someone who is working on building a writing career.

I developed a routine that has worked well.

Except in the month or two after graduation our department is tasked with returning the residence halls to a livable condition. Consider this…

If you have a teenager, it’s likely you’ve experience some degree of challenge in getting them to clean their room. It’s one of the only things you look forward to about them leaving the home for college or whatever awaits them after graduating from high school. Now imagine your “I’ll clean my room whenever I want to” kid goes to college and moves in with four other newly freed teenagers with the same commitment to cleanliness.

None.

My writing routine went out the window. Clearing the “hair-rats” out of the sinks takes more thought than you might imagine. And yes, some of that brain-work is making sure my dry heaving does not progress into full-on vomit.

But still, I don’t hate it. I kind of like it. It makes me appreciate the writing time all the more.

The 333 words above is my rationalization as to why I don’t have a typical post for you this week. My routine changed, and it’s made the writing more challenging. Instead, I have a guest writer this week.

My 17-year-old daughter who I’m happy to report makes an effort to clean her room.

She finished her finals for her Junior year of high school just the other day. What I share with you today is some creative writing she did for an assignment. It’s light-hearted and fun, something I think we all need. I know I do.

Have you ever considered the idea that Cookie Monster wasn’t appreciative of being called a monster all the time? Did anyone give any thought to how unfair it is to label someone a monster when they’re at the whim of an actual puppeteer?

Get your “Cookie Monster” voice going in your head, grab your favorite cookie and milk, and listen to Cookie NOT Monster air his grievances to his creator, Jim Henson.

Me No Monster! Me Just Love Cookie!

Dear Jim Henson,

Me have very important complaint. Me is upset about being called monster. Me no monster!

Me just love cookies.

But, as me was walking down Sesame Street, a little girl screamed and yelled “monster!” Me got scared and turned around, but me saw no monster in sight! Then, me realized ME was the monster the little girl was running from! This made Cookie NOT Monster very sad. So, me is going to need some changes to happen around here in order for me to continue being the happy, fluffy, blue, cookie eating NOT monster that me is.

Me was made by you, Jim Henson. You designed Cookie Not Monster and me thanks you for that. But me is no monster. You designed me in 1969 and built me with Don Sahlin, so why did you create Cookie Not Monster to look like a monster? Me didn’t think me was scary, me is big blue and fluffy, but me gets scared looks when walking down Sesame Street! Maybe me fur is dirty and matted, but me can’t help that! Me tries to brush my fur out, but the brush gets stuck!

Me asked Big Bird why people think me is scary, and Big Bird says it is because of how me eats cookies. He says it is because me smashes cookies in me face, leaving crumbs all over the place. Me can’t help that though! Me try to be delicate with the yummy cookies, but me just want to eat them quickly so bad!

Me an important part of show. Me make kids laugh and want cookie, but also, me good friend to other characters on Sesame Street. Me even have a very popular song me love to sing, C is for Cookie! Me song is catchy and me love to sing it. Without Cookie NOT Monster, there would be a lack of cookie and fun jingles to the show. This is why Cookie NOT Monster need an increase of cookie intake and salary. Me have been entertaining kids for many years and teaching kids different topics. Me believe that without me, there would be a lot less fun on Sesame Street.

Me have been eating cookies for more than 50 years now. That’s a lot of cookies! But as me working, prices have been getting higher. Me is asking for a raise in pay. As a valuable member of Sesame Street, me believes me should be getting a proper amount of money and cookies in order to continue me place on our show. Me have been talking to me friend Elmo and Elmo says he gets paid triple what me make! Is Cookie NOT Monster not of high enough love to be paid what Elmo make? Me understand me also get paid in cookies, which Elmo does not, so me will compromise. Me would like a double raised salary and a double cookie intake for being on the show.

Me would also like to talk about me birthday. On November 2nd, me had a birthday party. Me told Elmo to put you in charge of the cookies, but me only had 28 cookie! Me believe that because me is such an important part of Sesame Street, that me should get the amount of cookie for the age me is. Me is turning 55 this year and me want 55 cookie. Me deserve 55 cookie! Me want 55 cookie so me can share with me friend.

Me birthday party was fun though. Me enjoyed spending time with all of me friends, Elmo, Bert, Big Bird, Ernie, Grover, Kermit the Frog, Oscar the Grouch, Prairie Dawn, The Count, and Abby, and Gonger. Me have lots of friends. Me happy they’re me friends. Me need more cookie on me birthday so me can share cookie with me friends! Maybe ask the Girl Scouts for cookie! Me went on Today Show and me ate a s’more girlscout cookie and me loved it!

Me have another problem. Me has heard people say me is a puppet. Me is no puppet! Me can walk and talk for meself! Me heard names like Frank Oz, David Rudman, Eric Jacobson, and Matt Vogel and more. People say they talk for me!

Me talk for me! Not these people!

Me would like this to be cleared up and quickly. Me also heard people calling me “Sid” on shows other then Sesame Street. While me like this name, it is not me name. Me would like to change me name to Cookie NOT Monster because me like cookie, but me is no monster.

Me also want to clear up me eating habits. Adults seem to think me only eat cookie! While me LOVE cookie, me LIKE other food too! Me answer a reddit question from fan. Me said, "Me always be Cookie Monster. Me am what me am. Me love cookies, but me and me friends know cookies are a sometimes food. Me also eat fruits, veggies, and all sorts of stuff. Me monster, me not picky!" Me wrote this before me knew monster meant scary, but me said me not picky! Me eat other food on show as well, not just cookie. Me want to make sure kids know cookie yummy, but only sometime food! Me is asking for more time on the show explaining how other food can be yummy too.

Me want to bring to your attention another issue. Shrinkflation! Me cookies have been effected by shrinkflation! Me cookies were big, and now they small! Earlier in me note, when me ask for raise in cookie payment, me also want me larger cookie back! This is large issue. Me even brought the attention to the president! Biden said “Cookie monster, he pointed out his cookies are getting smaller and staying the same price. I was stunned when I found out that actually happened.” If Biden shocked by the shrinkflation, you should be too! Me would like me normal sized cookie back or me will ask President Biden to ask for Cookie NOT Monster.

Lastly, me most important complaint. As me have been eating me cookies, Cookie NOT Monster has realized they have become dry… Me did a little research into the reasoning behind this and me came across a lovely woman named Lara MacLean, the maker of me cookies. Me not mad at Lara, no, me mad at YOU! Lara say you hire her to make me cookie not real cookie! She say you want fake cookie because fake cookie cheaper and make more mess! Me cookie made out of Pancake mix, puffed rice, Grape-Nuts and instant coffee, with water in the mixture. Me chocolate chips aren’t even real! They just hot glew! Tell me, does that sound like a yummy cookie to you? Me can tell you it is not! Me would like me cookies made with sugar, flower, eggs, brown sugar, butter, and REAL chocolate chips.

Thank you for your consideration,

Cookie NOT Monster.

(I wonder how many shares and restacks this would need to get before in order to get to Sesame Street, and perhaps a response from the late, great Jim Henson…)