The way you wrote this, it sounds like your wife is playing the role that used to be the father’s role, “I work all day to put food on the table, then come home and have to work all night until I go to bed. Can’t I get some help from time to time?” And while the complaint is valid, there’s not much you can do to fix the situation, because it’s not about changing behavior in one instant, it’s about behavior over a period of time.
The irony is, those guys at your wife’s work probably weren’t doing any more than you were doing, your wife was just seeing what she wanted to see. Those men were at work and possibly had hired some help like a nanny or a maid or something. Either that, or those men didn’t bring their problems with them to work and tried to hide their home life struggles and your wife was seeing them through rose-tinted glasses.
Tom—you hit the nail on the head here. This is exactly what the dynamic was like. What I didn’t take time to illustrate in this article was that when our marriage hit rock bottom, I was a stay-at-home dad (after no small amount of professional failure). What this meant for me was that I played the role of a glorified babysitter. I’d do mostly nothing all day other than watch and play with the kids, hand them off to her when she got home, and then expect her to make dinner, do laundry… all the stuff. It’s even hard for me to write about here. Quite embarrassing!
“Traditional” gender roles are shifting (disappearing?), and I’m not sure we men are finding healthy ways to shift with them. This is something I’ll address in the coming weeks. I will also address the men at my wife’s work too. They’re actually part of our story.
What people either don’t understand or implicitly chose to ignore is that doing nothing still takes energy. You have to be awake and alive during that time. I’m not saying it’s strenuous, only that it depletes one’s energy levels.
Dealing with professional failure as a family man is difficult. You tried, you lost, you’re a loser and you still have a wife and kids to support…until she divorces you and takes the kids. But then you owe alimony and child support.
As for traditional gender roles…they exist for a reason and it’s naive of modern humankind to think we can just chuck those roles in the dustbin. Relationships are about give and take, that’s fair enough. There’s stepping up and then there’s actively fighting nature; the later is unwise.
So as a stay at home mom myself, I’m surprised that your 3 month old daughter was considered so easy she’s basically non-work. In SAHM circles, the popular consensus is that an infant is a FIL a full time job by themselves and the working spouse is expected to still be a 50/50 parent when they get home. As in, one person takes care of the kids and the other one takes care of the chores. It was wrong of you to (if you indeed do this) hand her the kids AND expect her to do everything else. No spouse is supposed to kick their legs up and do nothing, if there’s still more to be done.
But to dismiss a literal baby as almost no work at all, I’m surprised and dismayed by, that’s all. After all I have a 3 month old right now. Even by herself (without any other kids, which I do have) I wouldn’t considering care of her all day relaxing 🤷♀️
Ariadne- it was wrong of me. 100%. This was the problem. I did some other things. Mainly related to home maintenance and outdoor chores, but it wasn’t near a partnership.
As for the three month old… she was super easy. It’s not even fair. I did enjoy being with and bonding with the kids. I cared for them well. I just needed to work more on the things that weren’t easy as well. I’d eventually learn to do these things, and even feel good about it. But not until my wife wanted to leave me.
I’m sorry she needed to, but that’s were we ended up.
The way you wrote this, it sounds like your wife is playing the role that used to be the father’s role, “I work all day to put food on the table, then come home and have to work all night until I go to bed. Can’t I get some help from time to time?” And while the complaint is valid, there’s not much you can do to fix the situation, because it’s not about changing behavior in one instant, it’s about behavior over a period of time.
The irony is, those guys at your wife’s work probably weren’t doing any more than you were doing, your wife was just seeing what she wanted to see. Those men were at work and possibly had hired some help like a nanny or a maid or something. Either that, or those men didn’t bring their problems with them to work and tried to hide their home life struggles and your wife was seeing them through rose-tinted glasses.
Tom—you hit the nail on the head here. This is exactly what the dynamic was like. What I didn’t take time to illustrate in this article was that when our marriage hit rock bottom, I was a stay-at-home dad (after no small amount of professional failure). What this meant for me was that I played the role of a glorified babysitter. I’d do mostly nothing all day other than watch and play with the kids, hand them off to her when she got home, and then expect her to make dinner, do laundry… all the stuff. It’s even hard for me to write about here. Quite embarrassing!
“Traditional” gender roles are shifting (disappearing?), and I’m not sure we men are finding healthy ways to shift with them. This is something I’ll address in the coming weeks. I will also address the men at my wife’s work too. They’re actually part of our story.
What people either don’t understand or implicitly chose to ignore is that doing nothing still takes energy. You have to be awake and alive during that time. I’m not saying it’s strenuous, only that it depletes one’s energy levels.
Dealing with professional failure as a family man is difficult. You tried, you lost, you’re a loser and you still have a wife and kids to support…until she divorces you and takes the kids. But then you owe alimony and child support.
As for traditional gender roles…they exist for a reason and it’s naive of modern humankind to think we can just chuck those roles in the dustbin. Relationships are about give and take, that’s fair enough. There’s stepping up and then there’s actively fighting nature; the later is unwise.
So as a stay at home mom myself, I’m surprised that your 3 month old daughter was considered so easy she’s basically non-work. In SAHM circles, the popular consensus is that an infant is a FIL a full time job by themselves and the working spouse is expected to still be a 50/50 parent when they get home. As in, one person takes care of the kids and the other one takes care of the chores. It was wrong of you to (if you indeed do this) hand her the kids AND expect her to do everything else. No spouse is supposed to kick their legs up and do nothing, if there’s still more to be done.
But to dismiss a literal baby as almost no work at all, I’m surprised and dismayed by, that’s all. After all I have a 3 month old right now. Even by herself (without any other kids, which I do have) I wouldn’t considering care of her all day relaxing 🤷♀️
Ariadne- it was wrong of me. 100%. This was the problem. I did some other things. Mainly related to home maintenance and outdoor chores, but it wasn’t near a partnership.
As for the three month old… she was super easy. It’s not even fair. I did enjoy being with and bonding with the kids. I cared for them well. I just needed to work more on the things that weren’t easy as well. I’d eventually learn to do these things, and even feel good about it. But not until my wife wanted to leave me.
I’m sorry she needed to, but that’s were we ended up.