A Spotlight on Why Christians Can't Kick Pornography

Also, A Bit About Tim Denning's Take On What "Porn" Actually Is

Have you ever had one of those ideas where you thought it was a good idea, then you did it, and once the thing was done you looked at yourself in the mirror and asked, “Do you still think that was a good idea?”

Well, consider openly sharing your patterns of compulsive sexual behavior with the world. This is what I did. You’ll begin to understand what it means to second-guess yourself on a visceral level.

Even so, I’ve no regrets. Most people I hear from seem grateful. I hope so. Porn was something I wanted to stop using for years. I finally overcame it, and it is my hope my story might help you or someone you love. It’s why I share this stuff.

Today’s post is for paid subscribers. So, not too far down you’re going to come to a paywall. Some people send me money, so I send them extra stuff. Free subscribers receive an opportunity to try paid status for a while at no cost.

But before we get to that, I want to go a bit deeper and provide a bit more insight as to why I share content concerning such personal matters with you.

I can pinpoint a moment in my life when the whole pornography battle changed for me. I began to look at everything differently. Ultimately, the key to overcoming my compulsive behavior was to ask the right question(s).

For decades I looked for ways to control my behavior. The question had always been, “How do I stop doing this?”

But nothing ever worked, at least not in the long term.

Then, one day I asked a different question.

Why do I do this? Or, why am I constantly driven to this behavior? Understanding the causes of behavior helps develop a plan to stop it.

There are many reasons people use pornography. There are also lots of reasons people want to stop. A major motivator in my own life was due to the value system of my Christian community. But giving up pornography isn’t just a Christians concern.

Online author

Tim Denning

(who’s Substack name, Unfiltered by Tim Denning, is oddly close to mine) constantly talks about giving up porn. I might describe Denning as an online motivational writer. He has over 100K subscribers here on Substack and even more on Medium. Last week I mentioned I spend an embarrassing amount of time reading self-help books. Denning is someone I read online for the same purpose.

I’ve never made a connection between Denning and my own Christian faith tradition. A quick Google search didn’t turn up any evidence in that direction either. But there are hints at a similar value system when it comes to pornography. He repeatedly tells his readers to give up porn, but he adds the words, “of all kinds.”

When I dug a little deeper, I found this article. In it, I discovered he isn’t defining porn the way I have been. That is, strictly speaking, porn isn’t about sex. It’s about experiencing pleasure - any pleasure - the cheap way. It doesn’t matter how you consume the content that brings you pleasure, only that you get it in a cheap, easy manner which leaves you feeling a bit empty afterward.

You’re likely familiar with this take on the word porn. For instance, food porn might be an easy way to experience the pleasure of eating food, but it likely won’t be healthy for you and definitely won’t bring the satisfaction of preparing your own meal. (Pizza and all things pizza-related, particularly Pizza Hut, is my favorite form of food porn.)

Denning does address sexual porn. Here’s what he says:

“People ‘Doing It’ Porn

Porn consisting of people having sex is not good for you either.

Most of this content shows scenes and acts you can never replicate. The bar you have for physical looks and crazy sexual acts will only increase.

Drop porn for real-life sex with your partner. It’s much better.”

He’s right. Real-life sex is better.

For sure, Denning isn’t the only person to explain that pornography cheapens sex. It’s an easy concept to understand. Even so, I still found myself acting in ways I didn’t want to. There was still something prodding me forward.

Today I want to share with you a bit of what I’m learning during the research process for my eBook, How I Gave Up Pornography the Unorthodox Way. I recently discovered information that, if accurate, appears to strongly influence people, and perhaps especially people within certain faith communities, toward involvement with pornography. Here’s the quick version followed by a longer discussion which I’ve reserved for paid subscribers:

Individuals experiencing ongoing scrutiny may discover that the stress associated with constant observation increases their likelihood of engaging in pornography use.

My life in church made me feel like I was under constant scrutiny, and I wasn’t even clergy. Overcoming my behavior was difficult.

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There were two things I had to give up on my road to overcoming my compulsion for pornography. We might consider them, “Prerequisites to Quitting Porn.” Two things that made a tremendous difference.

1. I gave up Satan. I’d resisted the devil, and the devil most certainly did not flee. In the face of this evidence, I made room for the idea that my desires were coming from somewhere else.

2. I gave up the idea that I was addicted to pornography. This was because I couldn’t shake the idea that maybe I wanted to use addiction as a way to explain away a problem for which I couldn’t find any other answer.¹

I still consider the fact that I let go of these two concepts as paramount to my success. But to be sure, I’ve set about understanding what addiction, specifically sexual addiction, actually is. I wasn’t sure.

I contacted a counselor friend, told him what I was trying to do with the eBook, and he recommended I begin to read the work of Dr. Patrick Carnes. In some circles, Carnes has long been accepted as an authority on sex addiction. Specifically, he recommended the book, Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction. I’ve found it to be a great place to start, though as research has continued over the years much of what he has to offer has been improved upon, amended or outright rejected².

One take away from my reading was something Carnes says in Chapter 2. It was information that if true, might go a long way to understand not only why pornography use is so prevalent in the world, but perhaps also why we see sexual abuse in religious organizations, a community we might expect to be free of such an evil.

The quote from the book that struck me as profound was this:

Addicts often point to the connection between their addiction and the stress of high-performance demands in which there is an important personal investment. Graduate school for example, is often when addicts first encounter compulsiveness. The stress of proving oneself in an arena where every inadequacy is evaluated is a potent flashpoint for the ignition of sexual addiction. [The emphasis is added for clarity.]

It should be noted that Carnes’s book is about sexual compulsive behavior as a whole, and while using pornography falls within those parameters, he is discussing behavior that goes beyond just pornography. However, as I revisited this portion after reading the book I couldn’t help drawing a comparison to my own upbringing in the church, particularly in regards to the last line in the quote. “The stress of proving oneself in an arena where every inadequacy is evaluated is a potent flashpoint for the ignition of sexual addiction.”

If there was ever a place where a person would have been evaluated for every inadequacy, it was in my church.

I grew up in the Church of the Nazarene, which is a “holiness” denomination. For us, sin was the inadequacy, and being in a relationship with God meant we scrutinized our lives for sin on an endless basis. We waxed poetic about John Wesley and his techniques, the “Methods” he developed for just such scrutiny. It was an every-day practice we understood to be commendable. I don’t know why I’m speaking in the past tense. It’s still the go-to practice.

Further, church was my life. It defined me. It was all my family and I did. It defined all of us.

So, what I’m considering is this: If Carnes is right, then it seems like the scrutinization of personal behavior might be a significant reason people in the church seem particularly prone to compulsive sexual behavior. For sure, it’s not the only factor, but it seems as if it might be worth understanding.

I don’t typically solicit feedback on my articles. Today, however, I am. I need your help and insight on this. What do you think about the idea that people under scrutiny are more prone to act out in sexually compulsive ways? If Carnes is right, what are the implications for churches? What are the implications for the world in general?

It’s probably best to use the comments below to discuss. Only paid subscribers will be able to participate in the discussion. Or, if you prefer, just reply to this emailed article directly.

1. I wonder if our culture has “Addiction Porn.” We can’t understand why we continue to do something, so we take the easy way out and call it addiction. Perhaps a better answer is to learn to look at a behavior closely, understand it differently, and find more sustainable ways to end it.

2. For instance Carnes referred to the spouses or partners of sex-addicts as “co-addicts.” I believed it to be unfair and rejected the idea immediately. I have since found many experts have as well.z