Deciding If, and Why You Want to Stay Married

We were babies…

(Before we get going… This is Article #2 in the series, 12 Things a Husband Can Do to Save His Marriage. But wives, you’re welcomed here too. As you read, remember this is a reflective list. It’s simply what worked for me. I hope you find some of the insights helpful. Feel free to take what you find useful. Leave what you don’t.

Thanks for reading.)

When my wife and I entered into marital counseling, saving the marriage wasn’t exactly her goal.

Over the recent months of our marriage – perhaps even years – she’d come to see our relationship was draining her. Somehow she’d found it within her to take control of the situation and tell me it was over. Her capitulation to attend counseling with me was in hopes that the counselor would help move me along, and also help me begin a path to emotional and psychological health.

Emotionally, I was somewhat defeated and in a lot of ways I was a mess. I knew that I hadn’t treated her well early in our relationship. While I’d confessed this to her and she had forgiven me of the act, the guilt of what I did remained. It always will.

So, there was that.

Also weighing on me was the fact that my wife didn’t want to be with me anymore. Joy wanted out, and I saw myself as a failure. That hurt. I was feeling guilty, rejected and as though I had failed at the most important thing in my life.

There was one thing I couldn’t shake.

When I said my vows at our wedding on December 20th, 1997, I meant them. I don’t remember the exact words of our vows. But I remember what the words meant when I said them, whatever they were.

On that day I had stood in front of her parents, my parents, our friends and family, and God and told all of those people there that I was committing to being Joy’s husband for the entirety of our lives. We didn’t write our own vows; you’d be familiar with what I remember…for richer and poorer, in sickness and health, ‘til death we do part.

You know, the vows.

Before her father handed her off to me he took the microphone from the officiant and said some things to me about… well, I can’t remember what he said either. I was super nervous standing at the altar, crying a little. So, I’ll pardon my own poor memory.

But I remember being touched and not wanting to let him or anyone else down. When I said my vows, I meant them.

For all the things I didn’t do well in my life, I wanted to live up to my vow to my wife.

That, my friends, is why I decided to work at the marriage.

For me, it felt like a matter of integrity.

That’s why I decided nothing else in life mattered. The only dream I had was to stay married. I told her I would. So I set to it.

That’s all.

Besides, in our first counseling session she’d actually reiterated that she found me to be a good person, just a terrible husband. What if I could change that? What if I could work to be the husband she needed? Maybe being the husband she needed was what I’d vowed I’d be?

Maybe if I changed the marriage experience she was having, she’d change her mind as to whether it was the kind of marriage she wanted to experience.

I’m not sure this is particularly romantic. At the time romance was dead for us. Besides, it wasn’t about romance.

For me, it was a matter of integrity.

I said I would.

So, I was going to prove I meant it. No matter what it took.

I was 21 when we got married. She had turned just 21 days before. When we talk with others like us, we often express that we were “babies” when we got married.

It’s true. We were quite young. It was impossible to know each other well, because we didn’t know ourselves well. I don’t remember that anyone warned us we would encounter this as a challenge. I don’t know that we would have been mature enough to understand the warning if someone had provided it.

For sure, learning to understand the person you grow to be, then understand the person your spouse turns out to be will change things. The Hallmark perception of marriage is that 1 + 1 = 1. It’s even a biblical concept. You know, the whole, “the 2 shall become 1” thing.

But often, when it comes to marriage we can’t even make it fit the simple mathematics of 1 + 1 = 2. Because, as we grew to experience more of the world, we sometimes discover we’re not even the 1s we thought we were.

But I just couldn’t shake my vow. I remember the commitment of the day. The echos of the words, “I do solemnly promise to…”

It was a matter of integrity for me.

It might not be for you. It's ok.

I know. You were babies.

But it’s ok to let it be an integrity thing too.

It’s why I decided to stay married. It was what I clung to.

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This is series of personal reflections about some things I did to help save my marriage. Here’s where we’re going:

12 Things A Husband Can Do to Save His Marriage

1. Find a counselor suitable for you and your wife.

2. Decide if you want to be married.

3. Unlearn everything you thought you knew about marriage.

4. Let grace abound.

5. Decide if the person you are married to is the person you want to be married to.

6. Put your spouse’s needs before yours, including granting a divorce if it means she will be healthier.

7. Apologize for the things you know you did wrong.

8. Listen to the grievances your spouse has and decide if they are things you can change.

9. Reassess your goals in life.

10. Be honest about your addictions.

11. Learn to give her an orgasm.

12. Give her an orgasm every day.

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    Previously…on The Unfiltered Scribe…