Saving Your Marriage Starts With You: A Husband’s Journey
My wife and I were traveling the two and a half hour trip from her parent’s home back to ours when she reached over to where I was sitting in the driver’s seat and squeezed my right shoulder. My hands were occupied — my left with the steering wheel and my right with my habitual travel mug of coffee. After squeezing my shoulder she moved down and squeezed the front of my upper arm. I could tell she wasn’t really interested in squeezing my arm. I placed my coffee in the cup holder and placed my hand on her thigh. She took it, interlaced her fingers with mine and squeezed tightly.
“I just love you.” She said, shrugging.
I told her I loved her too. Pulling her hand towards my face so I could keep my eyes on the road, I kissed the back of it where the blue of her veins were just slightly visible beneath her skin.
“It’s weird, though…” She continued, “I also feel kind of bad for it. Like, we’re not supposed to be this happy.”
“I know what you mean.”
Yesterday she caught up to me and turned 48 years old. We’re old enough now to recognize that life goes through a series of stages. There’s overlap, so it’s not an exact timeline, but you’d recognize that going to college, getting married, having children, beginning a career might all happen at different stages in life. You’d likely be able to list some other stages as well.
Joy and I had been discussing some of our friends who are experiencing the pain of separation and divorce. The number of people going through this points to it being as natural as any of the other stages I mentioned. On more than one occasion I’ve asked someone about their spouse only to receive an awkward, “...um, we divorced.” I haven’t found an easy way to recover from the awkwardness. “I’m sorry” carries too many unintended messages. I usually try to affirm their right to be happy and healthy and express my hope that they are finding a better living experience on the other side.
Recently, I ran into a friend I hadn’t seen in probably over a decade. I was at their wedding and still use the piece of pottery I received for being a part of their wedding. In the 45 seconds or so that we had to interact, they introduced me to their new significant other. I had no inclination that their first marriage had ended.
A friendly “Nice to meet you!” was all I could muster. I meant it. But also…wait, um… what?
The fact is, we have many friends who aren’t happy in their marriage, and it breaks our hearts to see them in pain.
It also frustrates me, and sometimes makes me a little bit angry. Particularly with the husbands in the relationships.
I shouldn’t get angry. I don’t know the specifics of the minutiae of every marriage, not even those of the couples with whom we are friends. But still, as I hear of the troubles our friends are facing, they seem familiar to me.
Usually it’s the significant unequal division of labor. The main gripe isn’t physical or emotional abuse. It’s not the extra-marital affairs, even when they occur. It’s the amount of things our wives do to support the marriage. It’s the burden of carrying more grown-up responsibilities than we husbands want learn to do and take on ourselves.
Rather than learn to do things that are difficult for us, we fall victim to, a “She’s better at it anyway, so I’ll just let her do it” mentality.
I hear the echoes of this reality as wives talk about what they’re experiencing. They’re describing me back in the day.
It’s not just people I know either. I’ve noticed that many women who write nonfiction are often motivated by their experiences of overcoming a challenging marriage and finding a healthier life after divorce.
In my last post I brought up two popular memoirs I’d read by female authors and how as I read them I identified with their husbands. I’ve found that if memoirs have antagonists, it’s usually the husband.
It’s usually the people like me.
When I read Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert I was terrified my wife might leave me after she read it. This was because Gilbert found health and happiness after leaving a guy who seemed just like me.
Well, at the time.
Here’s the thing, though. My wife didn’t leave me. We made our marriage work. And, if I may…
I’m proud of us.
Further, as my wife would tell you if you asked her, most of the work to fix our marriage was done by me.
Honestly, there wasn’t a lot for her to work on. She’d been working quite hard for our marriage since the beginning.
Our marriage succeeded because of the work I did to fix me, and I’m done feeling embarrassed about it.
Why is it that I felt less anxiety in writing about the worst thing I ever did (which was quite terrible) than I do writing about my wife being head-over-heels in love with me now?
How does this even happen? Is it a “misery loves company” kind of thing? I think this is part of it.
I don’t know if there was ever a time when people experiencing happy marriages was the norm. I mean, divorce was even a topic of conversation in the Bible. Jesus said Moses allowed for a man to divorce his wife because they were so “hard hearted.” He was clearly talking to husbands here. I wonder if hard-hearted is in reference to them being unwilling to do the self-work it took to make for a happy household. Maybe I’m projecting.
Maybe not.
It seems marital discord is older than Moses.
People, (and I’m mostly talking to people like me, the husbands) you likely can make your marriage work.
If you want it to work.
One quick note for people who have experienced divorce.
I want to express that divorce is OK. In a lot of circumstances, it’s probably better than OK. You’re likely in a healthier place than you were when married. I hope you both are. And your kids, if you have any.
One of the friends who I discovered was separated and in the process of divorce, a father of 4, put it this way:
After 10 years of marital counseling, we just decided it was better not to disappoint each other anymore.
It was one of the more profound statements about a person’s divorce that I’d heard. Do you see it? There’s a clear indication of mutual respect between him and his soon to be former wife. Sometimes divorce is the better thing for those involved.
But as my marriage sat at the precipice, I wasn’t sure divorce was the better end of our story. So, I did some things to turn it around and I’ve decided to share the journey with you.
What makes me qualified to share marriage advice? What makes me the official guru of husband self-improvement? What evidence is there that my marriage tips are the best for rebuilding relationships?
Nothing. Well, not the typical list of things that one might consider qualifications. I’m not a counselor of any sort. I’m not a minister, priest, imam or any type of religious authority.
I’m just a guy who wanted to make his marriage work and did. I think some of the things I was failing at might be some of the struggles you’re facing as a man and husband too. That’s all.
What you’ll read over the next few weeks is purely anecdotal, and the anecdote is the story of my wife and me. I might also sprinkle some non-scientific, possibly unfair and uninformed observations about people in the world around me from time to time.
If you come to things you find unhelpful, move past them. Hold to what helps. This is just me thinking out loud about things that worked.
Here’s a peak at what’s in store, sort of in order, but not necessarily. As I write, some of these things may meld into one, and I might add another here or there, but as I sit today, here’s where we’re going:
12 Things A Husband Can Do to Save His Marriage
Unlearn everything you thought you knew about marriage.
Let grace abound.
Decide if the person you are married to is the person you want to be married to.
Put your spouse’s needs before yours, including granting a divorce if it means she will be healthier.
Apologize for the things you know you did wrong.
Listen to the grievances your spouse has and decide if they are things you can change.
Reassess your goals in life.
Be honest about your addictions.
Learn to give her an orgasm.
Give her an orgasm every day.
If you’re reading this and thinking to yourself that I’m a bit prescriptive in what I’m doing, that I’m projecting my own experience onto others, you’d be fair in that assessment. I am.
I am not you. My wife is not your wife. The differences between your marriage and mine will range from slight nuance to profound divergence. Some marriages, for various reasons, can’t or even shouldn’t be saved. But it’s my optimistic hunch that more can be.
Perhaps even yours.
If you want to do the work.
See you next time, with the first thing I did.
Do you have a friend or family member who is struggling in their marriage? Use this button to share this journey with them.
Discover the rest of this series, explore the full archive, and enjoy future articles—all at no cost. Subscribe to The Unfiltered Scribe here.
For more reading about my failing marriage, check out this article.
“Our marriage succeeded because of the work I did to fix me, and I’m done feeling embarrassed about it.”
I commend you. Your wife is lucky to have you and you her.
> “I’m sorry” carries too many unintended messages.
You could always turn that into a question: “I’m…sorry?”