Thanks for sharing part of your story. I appreciate your vulnerability.
There’s so much here I’d like to say about rape culture…
the ChatGPT definition is in my view a more accurate and thorough definition. In my understanding, rape culture is nuanced and layered. It begins with the ancient concept of women as property. There’s a more violent understanding as you spoke about but also subtle unconscious elements as well. Then there’s the whole concept of consent, which my adult children have more of an understanding than I ever did.
As a woman, there’s this sense of just giving in to what he (the man) wants. Especially when there’s a lot of pressure. Consent training for both individuals helps in this area. Women in religious circles and even secular are socialized to not even acknowledge much less connect to their own sexual drive. This is changing. We’ve been told men are visual and can’t help themselves. Heck, it was only in the 90s that the clitoris was even examined and studied! This organ’s only function is pleasure.
When looking at my parent’s story- my father shouted out loud, upon seeing my mother for the first time, that she belonged to him. This was in a social setting of young men and women hanging out for a weekend. I don’t know what happened in between that moment and when they went on their first date. But he was making it clear to the other males what was his.
When my mother told me that I was conceived by rape, I was 22-23 years old and married. She shared the full story that I’ve written about.
Later I went to lunch with my father and asked him if it was true. He actually laughed and confirmed by naming it date rape then went on to justify it by saying: “you have to understand, I had a strong sex drive.” This in his mind was justification. I let him know my husband also had a strong sex drive but had never raped me.
So to me rape culture isn’t just a specific definition as it’s full of nuance and layers of societal norms. It’s full of ancient understandings and teachings about women. As you said it needs to be discussed as does consent.
I look forward to more of your story.
PS my father does not, for whatever reason have the capacity to reflect on himself or his actions. Sad. Reflection, contemplation, working with our shadows is a much needed way of being for every human.
Thank you for your thoughtful comment. I remember reading your mother's story. It was heartbreaking, and I wish your father had thew capacity to reflect on his own actions. This is why I share my own story, in hopes that some men might read it and be able to reflect on their own take steps towards healing whatever might be healed. I understand it's not always appropriate to have conversations of apology. It may re-traumatize the victim. But in relationships where the two individuals do want to figure things out, it is possible.
I want to touch on your father's comment regarding having a strong sex drive. I think your response to him was perfect. I plan to write more about this in the future, because I think it's important. Boys DO have strong sex drives. It's how we're made. There is a biological function to it. I suppose scientifically speaking, this sex drive is why we continue to procreate. It is one thing I wish I'd been taught about when I was being taught about sex. My faith community (and the driving motivation behind how my family operated) always talked about sex from s sin perspective. Premarital sex was just wrong. They didn't focus on aspects other than that. It was a sin issue, not an ethical issue. It was the temptation of Satan, not the hormones flowing through us.
I wish I had understood I had a strong sex drive, where it came from, and how to handle it appropriately. I did not.
From a broader perspective, it would be easy to blame the church for this problem. But the non-churched world doesn't do much better. Talking about consent is vitally important, but so is teaching young men what's happening in their brain. We don't do that well yet. I think this educational shortcoming plays a big role in why boys act in inexcusable ways.
I just watched your video. I’m sorry there’s been responses to you telling your story that were hurtful. Sigh.
I think you’re wise to take a break and really sit with the ‘why’ of what you’re doing for your own soul’s health and wellbeing. I’m so happy to hear you have someone helping you with that. Support is so important.
There’s a Quaker saying I really like: “I’m holding you in the Light.” That’s what I’m doing Jeff. I’m holding you in the Light so that you can discern what’s yours to write about and how to write it and why.
I can only speak for myself here. I’m grateful you are writing about your experience and your part in it and the lack of education and limited teaching from church, family and society.
For me, it’s healing, powerful and refreshing. If you never write another word about this, just know what you have written has impacted me. Sometimes others aren’t going to like what you’re doing, though. People don’t like change and they don’t like to break taboos.
I’m holding you in the Light, Jeff. You’ll come to that place of knowing. Grace abounds. Love surrounds. Be tender with yourself. Be well.
Thank you, April. All the light helps. I’ve received a lot of it today, in the hours after sending the video. I’ve actually found a lot of what I’ve experienced recently to help me understand how I need to deliver my message in a more compact and thought out way. For that, I am grateful. I think the light helped me focus.
Hi Jeff,
Thanks for sharing part of your story. I appreciate your vulnerability.
There’s so much here I’d like to say about rape culture…
the ChatGPT definition is in my view a more accurate and thorough definition. In my understanding, rape culture is nuanced and layered. It begins with the ancient concept of women as property. There’s a more violent understanding as you spoke about but also subtle unconscious elements as well. Then there’s the whole concept of consent, which my adult children have more of an understanding than I ever did.
As a woman, there’s this sense of just giving in to what he (the man) wants. Especially when there’s a lot of pressure. Consent training for both individuals helps in this area. Women in religious circles and even secular are socialized to not even acknowledge much less connect to their own sexual drive. This is changing. We’ve been told men are visual and can’t help themselves. Heck, it was only in the 90s that the clitoris was even examined and studied! This organ’s only function is pleasure.
When looking at my parent’s story- my father shouted out loud, upon seeing my mother for the first time, that she belonged to him. This was in a social setting of young men and women hanging out for a weekend. I don’t know what happened in between that moment and when they went on their first date. But he was making it clear to the other males what was his.
When my mother told me that I was conceived by rape, I was 22-23 years old and married. She shared the full story that I’ve written about.
Later I went to lunch with my father and asked him if it was true. He actually laughed and confirmed by naming it date rape then went on to justify it by saying: “you have to understand, I had a strong sex drive.” This in his mind was justification. I let him know my husband also had a strong sex drive but had never raped me.
So to me rape culture isn’t just a specific definition as it’s full of nuance and layers of societal norms. It’s full of ancient understandings and teachings about women. As you said it needs to be discussed as does consent.
I look forward to more of your story.
PS my father does not, for whatever reason have the capacity to reflect on himself or his actions. Sad. Reflection, contemplation, working with our shadows is a much needed way of being for every human.
Thank you for your thoughtful comment. I remember reading your mother's story. It was heartbreaking, and I wish your father had thew capacity to reflect on his own actions. This is why I share my own story, in hopes that some men might read it and be able to reflect on their own take steps towards healing whatever might be healed. I understand it's not always appropriate to have conversations of apology. It may re-traumatize the victim. But in relationships where the two individuals do want to figure things out, it is possible.
I want to touch on your father's comment regarding having a strong sex drive. I think your response to him was perfect. I plan to write more about this in the future, because I think it's important. Boys DO have strong sex drives. It's how we're made. There is a biological function to it. I suppose scientifically speaking, this sex drive is why we continue to procreate. It is one thing I wish I'd been taught about when I was being taught about sex. My faith community (and the driving motivation behind how my family operated) always talked about sex from s sin perspective. Premarital sex was just wrong. They didn't focus on aspects other than that. It was a sin issue, not an ethical issue. It was the temptation of Satan, not the hormones flowing through us.
I wish I had understood I had a strong sex drive, where it came from, and how to handle it appropriately. I did not.
From a broader perspective, it would be easy to blame the church for this problem. But the non-churched world doesn't do much better. Talking about consent is vitally important, but so is teaching young men what's happening in their brain. We don't do that well yet. I think this educational shortcoming plays a big role in why boys act in inexcusable ways.
Hi Jeff,
I just watched your video. I’m sorry there’s been responses to you telling your story that were hurtful. Sigh.
I think you’re wise to take a break and really sit with the ‘why’ of what you’re doing for your own soul’s health and wellbeing. I’m so happy to hear you have someone helping you with that. Support is so important.
There’s a Quaker saying I really like: “I’m holding you in the Light.” That’s what I’m doing Jeff. I’m holding you in the Light so that you can discern what’s yours to write about and how to write it and why.
I can only speak for myself here. I’m grateful you are writing about your experience and your part in it and the lack of education and limited teaching from church, family and society.
For me, it’s healing, powerful and refreshing. If you never write another word about this, just know what you have written has impacted me. Sometimes others aren’t going to like what you’re doing, though. People don’t like change and they don’t like to break taboos.
I’m holding you in the Light, Jeff. You’ll come to that place of knowing. Grace abounds. Love surrounds. Be tender with yourself. Be well.
Thank you, April. All the light helps. I’ve received a lot of it today, in the hours after sending the video. I’ve actually found a lot of what I’ve experienced recently to help me understand how I need to deliver my message in a more compact and thought out way. For that, I am grateful. I think the light helped me focus.