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Hi Jeff,

Thanks for sharing part of your story. I appreciate your vulnerability.

There’s so much here I’d like to say about rape culture…

the ChatGPT definition is in my view a more accurate and thorough definition. In my understanding, rape culture is nuanced and layered. It begins with the ancient concept of women as property. There’s a more violent understanding as you spoke about but also subtle unconscious elements as well. Then there’s the whole concept of consent, which my adult children have more of an understanding than I ever did.

As a woman, there’s this sense of just giving in to what he (the man) wants. Especially when there’s a lot of pressure. Consent training for both individuals helps in this area. Women in religious circles and even secular are socialized to not even acknowledge much less connect to their own sexual drive. This is changing. We’ve been told men are visual and can’t help themselves. Heck, it was only in the 90s that the clitoris was even examined and studied! This organ’s only function is pleasure.

When looking at my parent’s story- my father shouted out loud, upon seeing my mother for the first time, that she belonged to him. This was in a social setting of young men and women hanging out for a weekend. I don’t know what happened in between that moment and when they went on their first date. But he was making it clear to the other males what was his.

When my mother told me that I was conceived by rape, I was 22-23 years old and married. She shared the full story that I’ve written about.

Later I went to lunch with my father and asked him if it was true. He actually laughed and confirmed by naming it date rape then went on to justify it by saying: “you have to understand, I had a strong sex drive.” This in his mind was justification. I let him know my husband also had a strong sex drive but had never raped me.

So to me rape culture isn’t just a specific definition as it’s full of nuance and layers of societal norms. It’s full of ancient understandings and teachings about women. As you said it needs to be discussed as does consent.

I look forward to more of your story.

PS my father does not, for whatever reason have the capacity to reflect on himself or his actions. Sad. Reflection, contemplation, working with our shadows is a much needed way of being for every human.

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